The Unbreakable Mother-Child Bond

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There are few, if any, natural forces among mammalian life on earth than the bond between a mother and child.  When this bond is broken it is almost always a result of an intervening and unnatural  dynamic. In the case of toxic divorces and potential Parental Alienation, Family Court judges and Mental Health Professionals should interpret a broken bond between mother and child as a red flag that a disordered narcissist might be pulling apart a family and victimizing both the mother and child. Yet, over and over and over again we hear and read how this glaring phenomenon is missed by those people mandated to protect children. These “professionals” should all be familiar with the research conducted in the 1950s by American psychologist, Harry Harlow.

Harlow separated infant rhesus monkeys from their mothers several hours after birth. The monkeys were isolated inside cages, and then raised by dummy mothers.  In each cage, Harlow place two dummy mothers. One was made of metal wires, and was fitted with a milk bottle from which the infant monkey could suck. The other was made of wood covered with cloth, which made it resemble a real monkey mother, but it provided the infant monkey with no material sustenance whatsoever. It was hypothesized that the infants would cling to the nourishing metal mother rather than to the baron cloth one. To Harlow’s surprise, the infant monkeys showed a significant preference for the cloth mother, spending most of the time with her. When the two mothers were placed in close proximity, the infants held on to the cloth mother even while they reached over to suck milk from the metal mother. Harlow suspected that perhaps the infants did so because they were cold. So, he fitted an electric bulb inside the wire mother, which now radiated heat. Most of the monkeys continued to prefer the cloth mother.

Follow-up research showed that Harlow’s orphaned monkeys grew up to be emotionally disturbed even though they had received all the nourishment they required. They never fitted into monkey society, had difficulties communicating with other monkeys, and suffered from high levels of anxiety and aggression. The conclusion was inescapable: monkeys must have psychological needs and desires that go beyond their material requirements, and if these are not fulfilled, they will suffer greatly. Harlow’s infant monkeys preferred to spend their time in the hands of the barren cloth mother because they were looking for an emotional bond and not only for milk. In the following decades, numerous studies showed that this conclusion applies not only to monkeys, but to other mammals, as well as birds.   (Thanks to Harari, Yuval Noah. Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind )

Research has shown that human children deprived of the bonding relationship with their mothers suffer the same long-term consequences and experience extremely difficult,  emotionally disturbed adult lives. Why are the courts so blind? Children need both parents so long as both parents desire a relationship with  their child.

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“Tears In The Rain” describes the mother-child bond and how it can be broken through the manipulation of a narcissistic father seeking revenge against the mother but ultimately punishing the child.

Click here to order your copy now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Drain the Family Court Swamp

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Donald Trump shouted from the mountains it was time to “Drain the Swamp.” Let us all hope he starts with the swamp called Family Courts who have systematically awarded sole custody of abused children to the abuser, thus condemning them to lives of confusion, unhappiness, manipulation, abuse, drug abuse, mental therapy, broken relationships, and the deprivation of their constitutional rights of free choice.
Let’s hope that somehow the courts will receive a mandate to become educated about narcissism and parental alienation. Let’s hope they will learn to take the time to understand the problem. Let’s hope they find a way to intervene when a child is young enough to be saved. Let’s hope they can learn to intervene before a child is so manipulated he or she is unable to actually make a free choice. Let’s hope they learn to promote dual custody and recognize the numerous cases where a parent demanding sole custody is a red flag worthy of further investigation. Let’s hope they get trained to recognize and understand the subtlety of this scourge.
A pipe dream? Perhaps. But, if there is truly a populist movement underway than let’s target Family Court.

Mr. Trump, drain the swamp of negligent judges who do not have the time or interest to learn about narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The Narcissist Anglerfish

tears-2People unaffected by Parental Alienation are often hard-pressed to understand the toxic relationship between a narcissist parent and a victimized child. In “Tears In The Rain” the relationship between a male and female Anglerfish is used as a metaphor illustrating the dynamic where a child’s essence is fundamentally replaced by the narcissist parent. It’s not a perfect metaphor but I hope it helps affected parents surrounded by disbelievers.

…Staring out from the wall was a creature straight from the mind of H.P. Lovecraft on a bad LSD trip or whoever created the creature in the movie, “Alien.” The fish was dominated by a huge bulbous head with a mouth filled with numerous, murderous, curved thin daggers designed to mercilessly impale victims. They appeared so long they would prevent the fish from closing its mouth. An overly large eye glared back at the observers, needle like spikes extruded from its head and tiny back and its lower jaw extended well below its upper making it look either malformed or as if it had been pulled halfway out of its head. A small tail fin seemed to be directly attached to its head eliminating any space for a body. A long fleshy appendage ending in a small bulbous growth extended from the top of its head.

Bradshaw exclaimed, “Holy shit, is that real?”

Winslow answered, “Well, Ron, you’re not going to see it in the grocery store but, yes, it is real, very real. And, it is even more interesting than it looks.

“The Anglerfish is rare and lives thousands of feet below the ocean’s surface in complete darkness where few creatures can survive and none are concerned about aesthetics. Because life is so scarce the Anglerfish has evolved several weird adaptations that enable the species to survive. Not only does it have the spike teeth and the giant head, but its stomach can swell to twice the size of the fish itself which enables it to capture and swallow prey twice its size. That’s a very useful adaptation since food is so scarce at that depth. The fleshy appendage jutting off the top of its head is essentially a living fishing rod. The bulb at the end is luminescent and lights up to attract curious prey. What a surprise it must be when hungry predators attack the light only to become the Angler’s dinner. But, that’s not why I am showing you this image.”

“This is an extreme example of sexual dimorphism. The female is forty times larger than the male and there is absolutely no physical resemblance. And, they have a very strange relationship.

“Life is so rare at these depths the odds of a male and female encountering each other are extremely remote, similar to the odds of any individual human sperm finding and fertilizing an egg. So, this physical adaptation helps ensure that should a male and female defy the odds and find each other they will remain together the remainder of their lives.

“The male will actually bite the female and lock his jaws in her flesh. Once securely established his head will actually fuse with the female and the remainder of his body will totally disintegrate leaving only his testicles which will fertilize the female’s eggs on demand. What’s left of him derives all its nourishment from the female. You could say he lives but no longer exists. They are two individual organisms that have become one. They are the female.”

“Now, you’re probably asking yourselves what has this to do with narcissism. It is a metaphor, not perfect but it demonstrates how one organism’s life essence can disappear and be totally absorbed by another. Basically, this is what happens in a narcissistic relationship. The narcissist sucks the life out of the victim, leaving him or her alive but with no individual essence. The physical being remains intact but the victim becomes an extension of the narcissist. His or her beliefs, thoughts, loves, hates, and behavior all derive from the will of the narcissist. Victims basically sacrifice their lives and are left with nothing resembling free will. Their own personality disappears and they act totally within the boundaries established by the abuser. This is what happened with Ms. Webster.”

Bradshaw interrupted, “Wait a second. There is a biological connection with the Angler. What you’re talking about here would have to be totally mental.”

“Yes, and no. We’re really talking about an emotional connection. It works very nicely in adult-child relationships. But, the coercive persuasion can assume physical dimensions. Real or threatened physical and sexual abuse are common and often part of the formula.”

“Coercive persuasion?” Bradshaw asked.

Winslow answered, “Yes, coercive persuasion is just one tool in the narcissist’s bag of tricks.”

 

The APA’s Shifting Policy Position

In high-conflicting and “winner-takes-all” custody battle, the existence of parental alienation is often unavoidable. As a matter of fact, the American Psychological Association (APA) has finally recognized and confirmed its prevalence as a form of psychological or emotional child abuse.

Based on the news release APA sent to Parent Herald, the organization has “no official position” on the existence of parental alienation as stated on its official APA policy in 2008. But APA changed its take on the issue after a 2016 petition titled, “New APA Position Statement: Some children are manipulated into rejecting a parent” ignited a review of the organization’s 2008 policy.

With that said, APA CEO Dr. Cynthia D. Belar stressed that the organization has received several messages about parental alienation this October. Belar also vowed to seek the best solutions to address the increasing concerns about this psychological phenomenon that could damage a parent-child relationship.

“These events bound what direction the APA can take with its policy on parental alienation,” APA analyst Pamela Roche said. “Future APA policy can neither deny the existence of parental alienation nor deny that it is child abuse, without contradicting published APA material.”

Read the entire article?:  http://www.parentherald.com/articles/72615/20161010/parental-alienation-latest-news-updates-parental-alienation-really-exist-apa-confirms-psychological-child-abuse.htm

A Story of Parental Alienation, Suicide, and Narcisissm

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I often wonder how many men and women in the Western World are afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And, I wonder how many men, women, and children have suffered to the point of having their lives ruined because, in general our society has failed to recognize or understand this serious social plague.
I wrote “Tears In The Rain” because I stood by and helplessly watched my stepchild abandon her mother at the age of fourteen. She was victimized by a ten year vendetta her father waged against her mother seeking revenge after their divorce.  In retrospect it is crystal clear to me how he manipulated his own daughter to terminate her relationship with her mother and become extremely vitriolic and eventually remove herself completely from her mother’s life. If I knew then what I know now I could have stopped it. I failed, but I hope this book will help others succeed. I am convinced in many cases Parental Alienation can be prevented if it is recognized early enough by trained professionals. Read More

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